Sunday, January 25, 2009

Down, and soon to go out. And away.

I've been feeling kind of down and out lately. There's so many things that I wish I could change about my life, but feel I have so little control over. As a result, I've been moody - which in turn, leads to bitchy - which then makes me feel more awful than I already did. Vicious circle much?

Friday night was a mixture of fabulous and frustrating. I drank too much, hung out with 2 of my absolute favorite people (and a whole lot of people I spent my time at high school trying to impress, whom I subsequently couldn't give two shits about) and made a fool out of myself with whipped cream and frozen margaritas in between picking fights about ridiculous things with Sugar Daddy.

Now, we're all aware I could sometimes be described as a drama queen. I like challenges, and I like feeling alive. I own it. But between trying to find somewhere to live with my brood of furry friends, attempting to be a good friend to my good buddy's problems, organizing somewhere for the dogs to stay while I fly off to Vanuatu (and finding the courage to tell my mother I am flying off to Vanuatu), I'm exhausted. I can't begin to explain how tired I am of searching the cereal packets for undetonated bombs, checking for hidden cameras in the DVD player and sleeping with one eye open with a sharpened ax by my bed, all because Chef is being uncharacteristically and disturbingly pleasant lately. And deep down, I know all these things are fixable. One day - and I hope and pray it is one day soon - things will fall into place. I will, inevitably, be fine; no matter what happens, I know I'm strong enough to deal with it.

And just as much as I'm aware that I get too involved with things I have no control over and up the drama a bit, I hate asking for help. It seems to be derived from not enjoying appearing weak. But this morning, all I wanted was for someone to cuddle me and tell me everything is going to be alright. And as a result, I pushed away anyone who was capable of doing that, just so I didn't appear to be that weak person I so deeply fear.

After several laps with Phoenix & Sahara today at the hydrotherapy pool, I'm feeling a whole lot more like the Katie we all know and slavishly adore. I'm ready to chuck on my Steve M's and hit the shops, and maybe even devour a few deep fried pineapple rings, two things guaranteed to make me feel better. And then maybe tonight I can get into the spirit of Australia Day, and spend tomorrow celebrating it and enjoying the fact that recently I've been far, far happier than I can recall for a very long time until yesterday. This time last year, I thought things were the best they ever could be. And now I know how wrong I was, and in the best possible way.

Oh yes. And maybe tonight I'll even start packing for my week away in Vanuatu.

1 comment:

Becca the Brit! said...

*Hugs you* Kitten everything WILL work out - I know this stage is the shit bit, trust me I've been there but you are now in a place (emotionally) much better for you - everything else will fall into place, just give it time. I love you. :0) xxx

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