Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The first and last of the deep stuff.

I know I rarely post anything of earth shattering importance, but even more so this week. The more superficial, the more I want to type deep and meaningful posts. I try to keep it light, because hell, I don't want to read about other peoples problems, and if I admit it, because there's certain people I wouldn't want to read what goes through my mind. I don't want to be the angry depressed girl with the weird blog, and find out people read it via them dropping something into random conversation. You know?

But for the record. I have not been coping well lately. Life has seemed a little hard, and more than little scary. Dealing with my living arrangements has been zapping my happiness and light, and the more my mother tells me to take a step back and let it go, the deeper I've been getting involved. I try to tell myself I am deal with my situation - by which I mean living with Chef - hell, I can even be polite if necessary - but when I lose my car and have hardly left the house in 3 weeks, when I can't get to see my mother, go to the beach, and do one of the few things that keeps me in sane in working at the RSPCA, to be ignored for days on end seems like the end of the world. I struggled enough with feeling surplus to requirements in our relationship for two years, and to now be paraded around as his trophy girlfriend when he requires yet refusing to speak to me at home is taking it's toll on my sanity. I can't beg to be spoken to any more. It feels like a violation of human rights. I don't feel able to do it any more, any of it. I can list hundreds of reasons why I wish things were different, but none to make it any better. And I haven't been able to make this better for a long time.

But that leaves me in somewhat of a quandry. If I leave the house - and it's somewhat difficult given he took my bank card and my car some time ago, and now my car is undriveable - I get questioned about who I am with. If my mother calls and I leave the room for some privacy, I am basically being accused of sleeping with Alex.

I. Just. Can't. Cope.

And with my dogs, lack of car and not a lot of money, I'm finding my options somewhat limited. I have good days, where I can see myself getting a new car on the weekend, and the options that opens for me - mainly involving finding a new home. But mostly I'm just a little sad at where my life is right now, and how differently I expected it to be.

I know, I know. I'm a drama queen, I'm prone to mood swings, and hell, I'm a girl. I'll keep it light from now. I always need that reassurance every thing's going to be alright, and all the bad things will be better. I always looked to someone else to do that for me, and now that I've realized I'm more lonely now than I am when I'm alone, I can see that I need to be the one looking after me. So when I dream of going back to school and getting my diploma in writing and editing, of having a new (old) car soon and potentially moving somewhere I can be around people and meet some new friends, maybe I can make it happen by myself. I still dream of flying away, but for now I think maybe that means setting myself free in the sense of making my own life, rather than boarding a plane.

Back to more dodgy photography and lighthearted banter tomorrow, I swear.


Tezz said...


If you prefer me not to read your blog, Just say so, I would never drop anything infront of Chef, as it is not my place, As for what goes through your mind, well i would rather my friends, vented to me, or on a blog, to get it off there chest, as i don't need someone else suffering the same fate as my sister. who killed herself, while suffering depression. So i would rather help you, with your issues instead of causing more, Please let me know what you would like me to do,

me & them said...

This was the sort of reaction I didn't want. I'm not so upset I can't go on, or anything like that - I just feel lost. I seem to hit brick walls when I feel like I'm sorting something out - does that make sense?
I know things will get better, I just find it hard not being able to discuss this sort of thing with Chef. I don't know if I go about telling him things the wrong way, or what it is, but he has a wall up I simply cannot penetrate, and it makes it very lonely. I value Sarah's friendship so much because we can have a laugh, I can get away from it all, and I love spending time with you guys. You're always welcome to read the blog - like I say, it's usually just silly stuff going through my mind.
I appreciate the comment thought, truly honestly very muchly :)

me & them said...

And as for your sister, I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for you. *big virtual hugs because I'm simply speechless*

Kat said...

I totally sympathize with your feelings because I have been there. Been there and back and been there again. It sucks but you gotta get to the point where you can let loose and everything will start to look up.

Big big hugs ((()))

Tezz said...

Ok, so i may have taken your comment to an extreme, But the thing is another one of my friends suffers from depression and they were able to hide it well, until they started cutting themselves, so when my friends mention being depressed, i just want to make sure they know i am there to listen talk to or what ever, As i never know how depressed or serious there problems are unless they talk to me,


Prin said...

I've been there. Really, it's so hard to leave and start over when your bank account just has money fumes in it, but financial stress is so much better than the emotional drain of being unhappy and in unpleasant surroundings all the time. It takes its toll on your confidence, on your health and on your animals too.

I'm twice as poor now, but I wouldn't trade the freedom I have now for the financial security I had then. Never.

Just kick ass, that's all I can say. You have the ability to, so just do it. :)

Get the life you want. Find your happiness. And find a guy who deserves you.

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