Tuesday, November 11, 2008

3 years and a few hours.

I have things to do. Amongst others, the dogs need walking, the house needs cleaning, and I need to get a few job applications off before this evening. But right now, I just want to be horribly selfish, sit in front of the TV & let Sex and the City wash over me and take away the fact I can't stop thinking about how deeply I'm going to miss my own Big. I'm struggling to function today, and although yesterday was much harder and full of tears and 'what ifs', I had my mother there to tell me everything would be all right. Today, although one of the most gorgeous Springs days we've had, just makes me wish it was raining and shitty outside to match my gloomy interior.

It's one of those cruel ironies that everything points towards things I want to forget. On the way home last night, my iPod randomly chose Phil Collins' Take A Look At Me Now, and if that didn't make me want to wallow in self pity for the next few months, when Linger by the Cranberry's came on I practically drove into a tree through my tears. Going to the supermarket means walking past the clothing shop with a tee shirt in the window depicting two adorable panda's telling me to Love The One You're With. The Mac background I so love of a photo I took at the races only reminds me of the exact moment I realized he was going away forever, and there would be no more Saturdays like the one before.

I know I need to get out of the house. But my car smells like him. The beach has memories associated with it I don't need to be reminded of right now. And I've already canceled my trip to the city tomorrow so I don't need my heart ripped out pointlessly when I arrive at the station and see our Starbucks looming over me.

It's devastatingly painful to know that after 3 years, it would come down to only a few hours of excited expectation of the sort he must have known for all that time, to come to the excruciating hurt realizing he was slipping away the more I tried to find him.

I've known for a long time I've been wasting my life for several years, but I had no idea I'd realize just how badly until now.

S&TC it is.


Melisa said...

I can't do anything from here but send you virtual hugs...so, here you go!

Kat said...

You hang in there girl. Sounds like a cliche, may even be one but those wounds will heal.

Hugs from Europe


Andie said...

Do you get the Rachael Ray show down there?

Ryan Reynolds is going to be on her show, talking about getting married to ScarHo tomorrow.

(that's my nickname for her) LOL

Becca the Brit! said...

It won't fix things, but at least for a few hours Cosmo's may help to numb the pain...xxx

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